Everybody's a Comedian (Part II)

They call me crazy, but who's the giant horse now?!

"This mask imbues the wearer with super-human abilities.  The power to make everyone around you feel awkward and uncomfortable being first among them.  After wearing the mask for several days my identity was consumed and replaced.  There is only the horse now.  Best purchase I ever made."

                                          It can be used as PPE!

                                          Corporate meetings... ?

                                                       In preparation for the Zombie Apocalypse!

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The Agony of the Unicorns

"Don't order this product if you have a conscience.  The unicorns in the industrial unicorn farms live in appalling conditions, in many cases worse than those of the pegasus ranches.  Don't believe the propaganda of Lisa Frank and the other Tycoon of big unicorn; all that awaits these poor creatures if the abattoir and the rainbow factory.  Be ethical and buy (kosher) dragon meat instead."

 

May Result in Cannibalism

"These bacon bandages are so realistic that they may cause secondary injuries.  I applied a bacon bandage to moderate cut on my left thumb and within 2 hours, 4 people attempted to bite me.  These bites required more bacon bandages, which in turn, were responsible for more bites.  The amount of bites per bandage applied rose exponentially to the point where I may die from blood loss.  I am in desperate need of some liver and onion bandages as these would be appealing only to geriatrics who would be easily fought off."

Everybody's a Comedian

I'm thinking about heading back to Michigan on 10/5. I may stay through Monday or Tuesday. Will you guys be around? Donnie, happen to be back this weekend?

Ok, now on to the show...

Comment sections on websites are the greatest thing ever. Any smartass with a keyboard and fingers can come along and troll serious topics on CNN, or, like the following, leave the most sarcastic, absurd, disgusting, and creative "reviews" of legitimate products on Amazon.

Keep in mind that the following are ACTUAL reviews of ACTUAL products that you can ACTUALLY buy on Amazon and they've ACTUALLY allowed them to remain up. I also want to point out that all these images below were ACTUALLY uploaded to the product page by "ACTUAL" customers.

Sigma APO EX DG Ultra-Telephoto Zoom Lens $25,999.00

By: Bryan Brown This is a great lens. Have had it for 2 weeks now. Mostly use it in macro mode in my search for the Higgs boson. But when not using for subatomic particle work, I use for weddings. One client was getting married a few hundred miles away. Of course I didn't need to fly in for the wedding...thank you Sigma. Yes, this lens has its drawbacks, we all know about them - yes you are actually focusing on things that potentially happened long ago - get over it. With low CA and a flat field of view - I can live with the drawbacks. By: Dr. Duke Fantastic I was at my local camera shop when my eyes were bestowed on this turd beast. I asked the guy, "Wow, I did not know you guys sold actual military vehicles," (Ok, so it wasn't a question). He responded, "No you silly Sally, that's a camera lens". I was all, woah, say whaaaaatttt? Gave him all the change in my pockets and 7 credit cards later, I was carrying this turd beast out the door. Called a buddy to bring his Ford F350 super duty (Ford, built Ford Tough), put the lens in my Honda Civic, and followed him home (I'm not good with directions). You pay for what you get, the lens is tack sharp, crisp bokeh, and is colored like an actual turd.

Fresh Whole Rabbit $45.90

By: M. Rosen Like many suburban homeowners, I like to kill and eat the wild animals that populate my backyard. To keep it sporting, I hunt naked, with my teeth and long sharpened fingernails as my only weapons. I've feasted on squirrel, raccoon, vole and numerous songbirds. But no matter how long I lay spread eagle and motionless in the hot noonday sun, I have never been able to outwit and catch any of the plump and juicy rabbits that hop just outside my reach and then bolt for the woods when I leap forward with a blood-curdling shriek. I have chased them at a dead run through the yards of the many unoccupied homes that surround mine but the pursuit always ends in frustration. But no more, thanks to Amazon. Every week, I order a fresh whole rabbit and affix it to a remote control car that is operated by one of my children. This way, I get the thrill of the hunt, and when the car's batteries are exhausted, I can leap upon it, bury my teeth into the rabbit's soft flesh and perform my ritual victory dance right there in the Walgreen's parking lot. By: cordyceps When our little Timothy was hospitalized last spring after an attack of severe awkwardness, we were sad because he'd miss Easter, his favorite holiday. We thought of surprising him with a pet rabbit, but money was tight, so we hit on a creative solution: a Fresh Whole Rabbit dressed up in a sock with little holes cut out for the arms and head would make a darling Easter Bunny hand puppet! Bunny looked better ass end up so we drew little eyes on his bum and shifted his ears aft (turns out duct tape doesn't stick to clammy surfaces so we ended up stapling them on). A little lipstick completed the effect, and generous application of air freshener helped mask the raw smell. (Read More) By: James K Polk "Napoleon of the Stump" For the love of all that is decent, do NOT choose the "Buy It Used" option. Just trust me on this one. (Written from my hospital bed) By: Ty I was sent a live rabbit, a hammer and a skinning knife. It doesn't get fresher than this, folks.

Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz $45.00

By: K. Peterson This product gave me diarrhea. My brother got cholera, my mom got the measles and my sister broke her arm. Soon after, we lost a wagon wheel and a thief stole 3 oxen. By: N. Strassner The exact minute I got my milk, my baby's new face burst into flames. I used the gallon to extinguish my baby. Next time, I'll order 2 gallons. Thank you, milk. Thank YOU! By: Edgar Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey, With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door. 'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door - Only this, and nothing more.' (Read More)

AudioQuest K2 Terminated Speaker Cable $14,049.75

Review By: Audiophile Using these cables, and only using these cables, I was finally able to hear an auditory gem that has been long rumored among music connaisseurs - Aretha Franklin's stress-fart just prior to her high A in her recording of "You're All I Need to Get By". Review By: Daniel A. Garcia My cats chewed on this cable and now they can both speak. One of them is gay and the other wants to kill me. I would have rather not known. Review By: J. Albergo Customers who bought this item also bought.... - the Brooklyn bridge - swampland in Florida - the Empire State Building - signed photograph of Harvey the rabbit Review By: J. Kesselman "he who dies with the most books wins" Even when I buffered the lightning down to a few thousand volts, these cables burned out before revivification could take place. Worse, while wasting time with these the body began to putrify; now I have to go out and dig up fresh materials and spend all that time stitching them together again. Doesn't anyone screen these ads?

Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk $24.95

Review By: T. Meadows Wow is this thing great! I use it as a "mini-bar" when the friends and I go out to the bars. I can quickly fix multiple shots of tequila for myself and the friends as we drive from one bar to the next. We also discovered that if you place a pillow on top of it and turn on the cruise control you can catch quick naps on the interstate. If you swerve to the left or right the rumble strips on the road wake you up in plenty of time before you get into trouble. I can now take longer trips without being tired! Also, i am now dating a midget and she fits nicely on the steering wheel desk which allows us to experiment sexually while driving. This thing is like WD-40 or duct tape, it is a million and one uses! Review By: Linky's Dad My copilot and I both used these during our "daily grind" transcontinental flights from San Diego to Minneapolis. We had to modify them a bit to fit snug against the instrument panels (when we bought them we didn't realize the planes we fly don't have steering wheels!), but in the end it did the job. With our laptops firmly in place we were able to focus our attention on what really mattered, participating in raids with our WoW clan. During our last flight we were so immersed in trying to take down Eranikus that we overshot Minneapolis by a full hour and a half before some annoying flight attendant interrupted us, babbling something about "FAA and F16 fighters." Review By: Balancer I balance a ball on mine and try to keep it from rolling off the edge while driving by tilting the wheel back and forth and using the gas and brake. I must do this well as everyone around me honks with encouragement.

Alternative ENNNERRRGYYYY

This is pretty sweet, thought I would share.

These should be in an art gallery

Bad Ass looks bad ass indeed. I'm glad to see Danny Trejo getting more leading roles....but Danny Trejo as Epic Beard Man?

I wondered what other actors could have played Epic Beard Man....
"I'm your worst nightmare."	"Right now I could crush you like a cracker over soup. MMM! Thank you! That's delicious!"
"All I wanna do is walk this stupid path of peace. But you're forcing me to walk the path of pieces."	"Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while that you shouldn't have fucked with?"

It's pretty obvious the movie is directly based on the EBM video even though they changed the premise. Trejo even wears the same damn shirt. I hope Bruso got some money from it.

Bad Ass

Apparently there was a movie made about Epic Beard Man. I just watched the trailer and felt the need to alert you all. Danny Trejo is fucking EBM.

Also, I'm posting this from my new phone so I'm not sure what the formatting will look like.

 Edit: Had to come back and embed the youtube video.... couldn't figure out how to without memorizing the HTML code on my phone.

Mars Science Laboratory

Did you guys watch this thing land? Ok, there was only JPL engineers to watch going fucking nuts during the live broadcast, but it was still incredible to watch.

I was going to post a string of images and videos here, but the media is already saturated with this stuff. Stuff like actual video of its descent, hi-res video of the same thing, hi-res panoramas, a picture of the 3km high central uplift, and even a fucking picture of this autonomous, nuclear powered, extraterrestrial rover parachuting to the surface captured by one of two of our observing satellites orbiting around another planet. We live in the future.

But I think this is better.

Engineers FTW

Have you guys been following this? 30 days to go.