Sunday, September 30, 2012

Everybody's a Comedian

I'm thinking about heading back to Michigan on 10/5. I may stay through Monday or Tuesday. Will you guys be around? Donnie, happen to be back this weekend?

Ok, now on to the show...

Comment sections on websites are the greatest thing ever. Any smartass with a keyboard and fingers can come along and troll serious topics on CNN, or, like the following, leave the most sarcastic, absurd, disgusting, and creative "reviews" of legitimate products on Amazon.

Keep in mind that the following are ACTUAL reviews of ACTUAL products that you can ACTUALLY buy on Amazon and they've ACTUALLY allowed them to remain up. I also want to point out that all these images below were ACTUALLY uploaded to the product page by "ACTUAL" customers.

Sigma APO EX DG Ultra-Telephoto Zoom Lens


By: Bryan Brown

This is a great lens. Have had it for 2 weeks now. Mostly use it in macro mode in my search for the Higgs boson. But when not using for subatomic particle work, I use for weddings. One client was getting married a few hundred miles away. Of course I didn't need to fly in for the wedding...thank you Sigma. Yes, this lens has its drawbacks, we all know about them - yes you are actually focusing on things that potentially happened long ago - get over it. With low CA and a flat field of view - I can live with the drawbacks.

By: Dr. Duke Fantastic

I was at my local camera shop when my eyes were bestowed on this turd beast. I asked the guy, "Wow, I did not know you guys sold actual military vehicles," (Ok, so it wasn't a question). He responded, "No you silly Sally, that's a camera lens". I was all, woah, say whaaaaatttt? Gave him all the change in my pockets and 7 credit cards later, I was carrying this turd beast out the door. Called a buddy to bring his Ford F350 super duty (Ford, built Ford Tough), put the lens in my Honda Civic, and followed him home (I'm not good with directions). You pay for what you get, the lens is tack sharp, crisp bokeh, and is colored like an actual turd.

Fresh Whole Rabbit


By: M. Rosen

Like many suburban homeowners, I like to kill and eat the wild animals that populate my backyard. To keep it sporting, I hunt naked, with my teeth and long sharpened fingernails as my only weapons. I've feasted on squirrel, raccoon, vole and numerous songbirds. But no matter how long I lay spread eagle and motionless in the hot noonday sun, I have never been able to outwit and catch any of the plump and juicy rabbits that hop just outside my reach and then bolt for the woods when I leap forward with a blood-curdling shriek. I have chased them at a dead run through the yards of the many unoccupied homes that surround mine but the pursuit always ends in frustration. But no more, thanks to Amazon. Every week, I order a fresh whole rabbit and affix it to a remote control car that is operated by one of my children. This way, I get the thrill of the hunt, and when the car's batteries are exhausted, I can leap upon it, bury my teeth into the rabbit's soft flesh and perform my ritual victory dance right there in the Walgreen's parking lot.

By: cordyceps

When our little Timothy was hospitalized last spring after an attack of severe awkwardness, we were sad because he'd miss Easter, his favorite holiday. We thought of surprising him with a pet rabbit, but money was tight, so we hit on a creative solution: a Fresh Whole Rabbit dressed up in a sock with little holes cut out for the arms and head would make a darling Easter Bunny hand puppet! Bunny looked better ass end up so we drew little eyes on his bum and shifted his ears aft (turns out duct tape doesn't stick to clammy surfaces so we ended up stapling them on). A little lipstick completed the effect, and generous application of air freshener helped mask the raw smell. (Read More)

By: James K Polk "Napoleon of the Stump"

For the love of all that is decent, do NOT choose the "Buy It Used" option. Just trust me on this one. (Written from my hospital bed)

By: Ty

I was sent a live rabbit, a hammer and a skinning knife. It doesn't get fresher than this, folks.

Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz


By: K. Peterson

This product gave me diarrhea. My brother got cholera, my mom got the measles and my sister broke her arm. Soon after, we lost a wagon wheel and a thief stole 3 oxen.

By: N. Strassner

The exact minute I got my milk, my baby's new face burst into flames. I used the gallon to extinguish my baby. Next time, I'll order 2 gallons. Thank you, milk. Thank YOU!

By: Edgar

Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door -
Only this, and nothing more.' (Read More)

AudioQuest K2 Terminated Speaker Cable


Review By: Audiophile

Using these cables, and only using these cables, I was finally able to hear an auditory gem that has been long rumored among music connaisseurs - Aretha Franklin's stress-fart just prior to her high A in her recording of "You're All I Need to Get By".

Review By: Daniel A. Garcia

My cats chewed on this cable and now they can both speak. One of them is gay and the other wants to kill me. I would have rather not known.

Review By: J. Albergo

Customers who bought this item also bought....
- the Brooklyn bridge
- swampland in Florida
- the Empire State Building
- signed photograph of Harvey the rabbit

Review By: J. Kesselman "he who dies with the most books wins"

Even when I buffered the lightning down to a few thousand volts, these cables burned out before revivification could take place. Worse, while wasting time with these the body began to putrify; now I have to go out and dig up fresh materials and spend all that time stitching them together again.
Doesn't anyone screen these ads?

Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk


Review By: T. Meadows

Wow is this thing great! I use it as a "mini-bar" when the friends and I go out to the bars. I can quickly fix multiple shots of tequila for myself and the friends as we drive from one bar to the next. We also discovered that if you place a pillow on top of it and turn on the cruise control you can catch quick naps on the interstate. If you swerve to the left or right the rumble strips on the road wake you up in plenty of time before you get into trouble. I can now take longer trips without being tired! Also, i am now dating a midget and she fits nicely on the steering wheel desk which allows us to experiment sexually while driving. This thing is like WD-40 or duct tape, it is a million and one uses!

Review By: Linky's Dad

My copilot and I both used these during our "daily grind" transcontinental flights from San Diego to Minneapolis. We had to modify them a bit to fit snug against the instrument panels (when we bought them we didn't realize the planes we fly don't have steering wheels!), but in the end it did the job. With our laptops firmly in place we were able to focus our attention on what really mattered, participating in raids with our WoW clan. During our last flight we were so immersed in trying to take down Eranikus that we overshot Minneapolis by a full hour and a half before some annoying flight attendant interrupted us, babbling something about "FAA and F16 fighters."

Review By: Balancer

I balance a ball on mine and try to keep it from rolling off the edge while driving by tilting the wheel back and forth and using the gas and brake. I must do this well as everyone around me honks with encouragement.

1 comment:

  1. I won't be around. But as of right now I plan on coming home for Thanksgiving.